BEST TASTING PET FOOD.

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I’m a bit behind in the pet food arena since I haven’t owned a cat or dog in about ten years.  My upstairs neighbor was sick and she was out of cat food and asked me to pick her up a box of Indoor Cat Food. Indoor Cat Food?  I’d never heard of Indoor Cat Food. “My cat doesn’t like any of those stinky, fishy, beef, or strong chicken cat foods,” she explained.

Huh? I always thought meat and fish were what all pets liked the most. All of this explanation comes as I’m remembering an article I read some years ago by Robert Wieder, who decided to taste all the popular cat and dog foods to see what tasted the best. His point, at the time, was that seniors and some families were subsisting on Dog Food.

Hmm!  I’ve never been brave enough to try it but I had a friend who was mad enough at her husband for coming home drunk she fed him a can of dog food and told him it was hash. He ate it without complaint.

And, while I know people who feed their pets human food, scraps, and treats under the table along with their kibble, I probably know an equal number who don’t feed their pets human food.

But if you read the labels, its all human food. We’ve been sharing the same food for a long time, corn, wheat, fish, poultry and meat of one sort or another.

So, if dog food stocks went up during the latest depression, as Weider says, you might as well know which is best according to Weider,  a pet food gourmand:

ALPO- …taste is something on the order of coyote a__holes. The farts can clear four rows in a stadium.

Milk-Bone-Tasty nuggets just like doggie Beer Nuts. Magnificent snack with a couple tequilla sunrises.

Gaines Burgers-We would rate this somewhere between wood shavings and peat moss. Dog shit is more like it.

Chuck Wagon-Their commercials are nauseating but you get more nutrition than a Big Mac. Splendid with chopped onions.

Ken-L Ration. They ate better at Buchenwald. We wouldn’t feed this to a dung beetle.

Little Friskies- Unpresumptiuous, a favorite with teens and tykes. But it sets your sphincter free.

Dr. Ross- Checkers ate this crap. It showed.

Recipe- A celebrity item with Lassie on the label. Judging by the texture maybe inside as well. The raw egg makes it a passable but high priced breakfast item.

Purina Dog Meal- Four stars, especially the High Protein variety. You’d be hard pressed to eat this well at twice the price. We recommend eating with beef bouillion or cream of mushroom soup, bleu cheese salad dressing. If you are eating hamburger instead of this, your dog should be doing the shopping.

Friskies Sauce Cubes- Not bad if you serve in tacos, on pizzas or hidden in a casserole. Kind of harsh and pukey by itself.

Gaines Biscuits- Zesty, tasty, nourishing, but certain enzynes create a problem in the human biocheistry that, uh, well…listen, how do you look in a flea collar?

Purina Dog Chow- Not like mother used to make but one of our staffers is a big booster despite a recurrent compulsion to mount a Doberman once a month and some other petty side effects.

Well, you are now in the know about pet foods and know what to pick in a pinch. I think I’d go for the Friskies Cubes and maybe I’m gonna try the Indoor Cat Food with a touch of greens.

Thank you Mr. Weider.

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